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Tuesday, December 4, 2012

The Squirreliminator.

The line has been drawn.  Boundaries have been over-stepped.  My bank account is being affected.  Thanks to last winter-that-wasn't, besides my War on Ratz, I have been overrun by every imaginable rodent population.  Grey squirrels are chewing on feed cans, prying them open, waltzing brazenly into the chicken coop.  Red squirrels are just plum crazy - they fling themselves across the deck like lunatic acrobats.  All they need are glitter tights and capes.  Geezloueeze. 

Figuring it was safe (from bear intervention) to put out the birdseed, I allowed myself to fall into a false sense of normalcy.  I love to watch the birds flitting about, grabbing a seed with their little talons and zipping away, tiny chickadees whisking about your head.  I love my cardinal couple, even though he still seems fixated with my car rear view mirrors.  I love the Jones Family Sparrows, all million-and-a-half of them (most of whom lounge around in the chicken coop all day).  I get goosebumps when I sight a nuthatch.  But, do I enjoy watching Dom (DeLuise) and Orson (Welles) draping their fur-clad-sumo-like girths over my bird feeders?  I do not.  Nor do I like their cousins, Fatty (Arbuckle) and Fat (Boy).  Or their brothers Lard (Butt) and Big (Booty).  You get the picture.

So far these grey-coated buckets of suet have chewed my bird feeders to bits, eaten every bit of seed meant for the birds, damaged feed pails, and godknowswhatelse.  I have thrown rocks at them, curses at them, have sic'd Scrappy on them (he's mostly into the opening shot out of the door, then quickly goes downhill after that).  I have had enough.

Enter the {{Squirreliminator}}.

Also known as the Gamo Hornet .177 Air Rifle.  Oh, yah.  This baby shoots TWO kinds of pellets (.177 for regular vermin/varmints and .22 for big game like - what? - opossums?).  It is probably the only weapon I am safe with.  I've been practicing by hitting a cardboard box (once in a while) and by making thinly veiled threats to the squirrels.  The only drawback I can see - well, one of two - is that it breaks very hard to load.  By the time I wrestle with it and squint my way to loading the teeny, tiny pellet in the teeny, tiny hole, most of the varmints have packed their maws with seed and have headed to their lairs.  But I'm determined.   However, there is one other tiny drawback.  I don't think I actually want to hit them.  I gave Orson (or was it Fatty?) a goose yesterday and I was walking around wringing my hands for an hour.  I am rather hoping that word will get around and they will go find a less deadly place to pillage.

Very truly yours,

Sweezie The Wuss

33 comments:

  1. Oh, this sounds just like the battle Don has with these toothsome B@#$%*$#. And I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but 2 seconds after returning inside from giving them a pellet on the rump, they're back......
    We have black squirrels, red squirrels, grey squirrels and these hyper hyper hyper tiny ones that I call "Crack" squirrels, because they are obviously on something besides seed.
    Best of luck to you in your battles.....

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    1. WARNING! DO NOT READ SUE'S COMMENT WHILE DRINKING COCOA NEAR YOUR COMPUTER! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

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    2. Sue - Something worse than red squirrels????? You can keep them!

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  2. I'm so glad I've only seen one squirrel here. However, rats, raccoons and other varmits are the same pain here.

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    1. Kristina - You may THINK you only have one squirrel. They are like deer - you may see one, but there are more behind it.

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  3. Rat Bastards!!!!! The squirrels are terrible this year, we have red and brwon ones stealing everything. I'm wondering if they know something about the coming winter.

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    1. Sandy - You said it, Sister! Half of the handle on one of my trash cans has been clean chewed away - and there's not a bloody thing in it! I hope it's a REAL winter this year (remind me I asked for it). That's the only natural way to keep their numbers low.

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  4. Cats seem to help around here.

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    1. DFW - The one barn/outside cat I had did a marvelous job (the Sainted Gigi), but she was killed by one of the many predators we have. And I worry that the cats would also kill the birds. And bring ticks in the house. So I'm back to pellets.

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  5. My ground squirrels don't bother my bird feeder, it's hanging from tree limb. But I am sure one of these days I am going to fall into one of these ground squirrel holes and disappear forever, they did huge holes and tunnels. Would trade them for tree squirrels any day.

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    1. TL - I forgot all about ground squirrels. They are amazing diggers! I will trade you one ground squirrel for six of my tree squirrels. Deal?

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  6. Your story cracks me up! I hope you get your squirrels!!! You should ask Carolyn Renee for her fried squirrel recipe, then maybe you won't feel bad killing them ☺

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    1. Kelly - I am sure that CR is scoffing at me after this confession. Maybe, if I lived next door to her....maybe, if she lived next door to ME....

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  7. Ahahahaha! I do so enjoy reading your posts! Squirreliminator indeed!!!
    Good luck and hope you get some of the little gray coated varmints!!

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    1. SLF - Maybe I can scare them to death!

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  8. Our across the street neighbor does a good job of keeping the tree rat population in check. He did so well last year that we harvested peaches for the first time since we planted the peach tree 9 years ago. We call him the Squirrel Slayer!

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    1. WH - I'd be a lot more forgiving if they weren't double-dipping into my chicken feed.

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  9. Put some cracked corn with that seed, pump that thing up to the max and lay 'em out. They taste just like chicken...

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    1. Petey - Yes, sort of grain-finished, right? :)

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  10. Hmmm... sounds like maybe you need to get yourself a mongoose! LOL

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    1. Jenyfer - Oooh! Mongoose(geese? gooses?) Everything I know about them begins and ends with Riki Tiki Tavi. How dow they feel about snow?

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  11. Hubby took a shot at the deer several years ago (he only shot near them) and they made themselves scarce for over a year. Hopefully, word will get around Squirrel-Town that Sweezie's got a gun and they will find another place to dine!
    P.S. One of the blogs I follow, she has tons of bird feeders and takes amazing pictures of the birds AND the tree rats raiding the feeders! ;)

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    1. Candy - Deer must be smarter than squirrels. Or nicer. That blogger must have deep pockets!! LOL!

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  12. Maybe time for a regular 22? Lots of meat for the freezer ;)

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    1. Nancy - I am working my way up to a .22. Maybe if I actually USE this thing.

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  13. Our war on squirrels began this spring when they ate our birds out of their birdfeeder and we saw squirrels actually punch the birds who bravely still tried to get to the feeder. I've never killed anything in my life, and I happily raised my (our - well I think it's mine now) .22 Ruger pistol to begin mine and my husband's Arboreal Rodent Eradication contest. What we thought was maybe 5-10 squirrels, max, turned into 20+ tally marks in no time on our scorecard. The first one is the hardest, I have a soft heart too, but after a while 'enough' is 'enough'. Good Luck!

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    1. Lisa - Thank you SO much for your comment. I am thinking that a rifle is a little too much gun for what I need, but it's what I have now. Target practice this weekend and nerves of steel next week. Thanks!!

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  14. We have a squirrel that torments my husband. Not only are the dogs tearing up our back yard. But he will pop up right at the end of the patio where my husband can see him from the table. As soon as my husband lifts is bb gun he is gone. I swear he is laughing at us.

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    1. Michelle - They are natural tormenters. I am hoping that the sheer massive girth of mine will give me an edge. It's like hitting the broad side of a barn.

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  15. Soooooo........it's been several days now.
    How many have you shot?
    Hmmm???
    I got a great fried squirrel recipe just waiting for ya.

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    1. Carolyn - I think the scare tactics are working - I haven't seen any of the fat boys at the feeder. Of course, they may just be waiting until I pull out of the driveway...now to work on the red devils. Fried squirrel? Um, no thanks. I have been working on cutting down my animal protein....

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  16. good luck! Our next door neighbor used to shoot the squirrels and while he lived here there were hardly any of them around. Once he moved, the squirrels moved back in. And boy are they brazen! They ate every single one of our tomatoes this year! =( We inherited the pellet gun, but I prefer catching them in a live trap and then...disposing of them.

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  17. LOL! That's crazy, we have ONE squirrel that terrorizes our dogs but this is the first place I've lived where we seem to be squirrel-deficient!

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