I am attempting to look back at 2013 with love. And humor. It ain't easy. I do believe that, if you look hard enough, you can find love and humor in almost everything. Especially in memories. And as time passes, it runs them through a fine sieve in kindness and you are left with mostly good memories. Of course, when you reach an age, alot of those memories are adrift somewhere in that foggy ocean you call your mind - along with your glasses, that matching sock and last week's crossword puzzle.
Kay. Her death was a huge loss for me, and I think about her almost every day. But I am thinking of her more often with love and humor - I've adopted her mantra as my own: Holy Crap! It covers every situation, both bad and good. I see her dear face in my mind and it makes me smile. I pull out my large braising pan and thank God for her idiosyncrasies and manic focus (and unsurpassed pan cleaning skills.) I hope to be the kind of friend that she was to so many, although I'll be happy to be that kind of friend to fewer. She had supernatural friendship powers and I do not.
Bernie. This one is a little tougher because it is still raw. But I can see her coming to the back door with a pile of snow on her nose, ears straight up, almost bouncing with happiness that it was winter. I think of the UPS guy, leaving packages at the top of the driveway because of the "mad dog" - he never knew what a marshmallow she was, and I never told him. Bernie running the cats over to beat Scrappy to their food dishes - making sure to get those last molecules of Fancy Feast in case they left a trace. Tiptoeing past her back room 'lair' only to realize she's not there to disturb.
The Great Turkey Project. Besides learning that the LLF female mojo had let me down - I also learned my limits. I'm pretty adept at adding things into the routine, as long as I do it gradually, and everything was humming along - until winter. Two of the boys found a new home and Thomas now thinks he's a large chicken.
The importance of lists. The wheels fell of the list cart this year and I realized how important lists are. To me. With the focus of a fruit fly, I went willy-nilly through the homestead and didn't get one really important thing accomplished. I managed to drop an empty rubber feed dish over the banty hen's nest of eggs (When? In the Summer?) to discourage her and then forgot about the nest. I'd remember every now and then, but forgot again and then, when I did think about it, I would figure I'd wait until the dead of winter, as the nest full of eggs was probably a toxic bomb waiting to go off. It never made it to The List.
Friends. My biggest blessing. I have the best friends in the Universe and I love them all to pieces.
I think the most obvious and recurring theme song of 2013 has been that "The Old Grey Mare Just Ain't What She Used to Be." I have to face reality (eeek) and realize that no matter how ageless I assume myself to be, I am NOT 30. I cannot have everything I want, the way I want it. This year I labored away and got not alot of joy out of it. I don't intend to repeat the experience.
I will now go sit down and write down my list. And stick to it. Today.