I am attempting to look back at 2013 with love. And humor. It ain't easy. I do believe that, if you look hard enough, you can find love and humor in almost everything. Especially in memories. And as time passes, it runs them through a fine sieve in kindness and you are left with mostly good memories. Of course, when you reach an age, alot of those memories are adrift somewhere in that foggy ocean you call your mind - along with your glasses, that matching sock and last week's crossword puzzle.
Kay. Her death was a huge loss for me, and I think about her almost every day. But I am thinking of her more often with love and humor - I've adopted her mantra as my own: Holy Crap! It covers every situation, both bad and good. I see her dear face in my mind and it makes me smile. I pull out my large braising pan and thank God for her idiosyncrasies and manic focus (and unsurpassed pan cleaning skills.) I hope to be the kind of friend that she was to so many, although I'll be happy to be that kind of friend to fewer. She had supernatural friendship powers and I do not.
Bernie. This one is a little tougher because it is still raw. But I can see her coming to the back door with a pile of snow on her nose, ears straight up, almost bouncing with happiness that it was winter. I think of the UPS guy, leaving packages at the top of the driveway because of the "mad dog" - he never knew what a marshmallow she was, and I never told him. Bernie running the cats over to beat Scrappy to their food dishes - making sure to get those last molecules of Fancy Feast in case they left a trace. Tiptoeing past her back room 'lair' only to realize she's not there to disturb.
The Great Turkey Project. Besides learning that the LLF female mojo had let me down - I also learned my limits. I'm pretty adept at adding things into the routine, as long as I do it gradually, and everything was humming along - until winter. Two of the boys found a new home and Thomas now thinks he's a large chicken.
The importance of lists. The wheels fell of the list cart this year and I realized how important lists are. To me. With the focus of a fruit fly, I went willy-nilly through the homestead and didn't get one really important thing accomplished. I managed to drop an empty rubber feed dish over the banty hen's nest of eggs (When? In the Summer?) to discourage her and then forgot about the nest. I'd remember every now and then, but forgot again and then, when I did think about it, I would figure I'd wait until the dead of winter, as the nest full of eggs was probably a toxic bomb waiting to go off. It never made it to The List.
Friends. My biggest blessing. I have the best friends in the Universe and I love them all to pieces.
I think the most obvious and recurring theme song of 2013 has been that "The Old Grey Mare Just Ain't What She Used to Be." I have to face reality (eeek) and realize that no matter how ageless I assume myself to be, I am NOT 30. I cannot have everything I want, the way I want it. This year I labored away and got not alot of joy out of it. I don't intend to repeat the experience.
I will now go sit down and write down my list. And stick to it. Today.
20 comments:
'Tis true each new year is a new beginning . . . thank heaven! I also think some years are just better than others. You had some real toughies thrown at you this past year. Yup, they are part of life, but can stop a person in their tracks.
As far as facing the fact that you are NOT 30 anymore, there are a gazillion "firsts" for you yet to experience in your life. I'm a lot farther away from 30 than you are, but I truly believe it's better to wear out than to rust out. Let's just keep at it, okay? ;o]
Susan, I so agree with Mama Pea. there are a lot of firsts still to come for all of us over (waay over) 30. Happy New Year, stay safe & warm!
Lists are great, but sometimes you have forgive yourself for not getting there. I had so many plans for the summer- then foot surgery. I watched tv like a mutant slug, not able to get out much. Then a LONG recovery period, with concrete floors at work covered by thin carpet :( Then sciatica last month! Luckily I had the sense to get acupuncture, all gone! Thank god for hubs, or the wheels would have come off the cart. I don't envy you all that homesteading work, on top of a full time job! And losing pets, been there, broken hearted too. I still cry after all the years randomly. Life goes on still...
To quote a beloved artist, sadly gone; "Some days (insert 'years'?) are diamonds; some days are stones. Sometimes the hard times won't leave you alone. Sometimes a cold wind blows a chill in my bones…." Here's praying next year is your diamond, friend.
Well I've passed 30, then another 30 and working on my third go round. My problem with lists is remembering where I put them ...... spent an hour yesterday looking for the keys to my truck, only got one key when I bought it years ago (had some made, don't work good) .... finally remembered when I fed the critters in the morning I was wearing sweats over my jeans and keys were in pocket of my sweats. Hang in there tomorrow is another day with a new set of challenges.
I can feel your pain and I do think you know exactly how to keep going. Do what you can and don't do anything you do not get some joy out of. I wish you luck in all you do. I will listen to your words and slow down myself. Hugs B
Your first paragraph was pure poetry.
And I said to SM just last night that my mind feels like it's "all willy nilly" and I can't remember a thing.
And "the focus of a fruit fly..." LOL. I now have a new saying I plan on using.
Brilliant Susan. You make me wonder if we were seperated at birth.
Many blessing to you for the New Year!
I love your imagery of memories running through a sieve. I'm a list maker too because like you said, this girl ain't what she used to be. Here's to 2014, a year of potential!
Okay, Mama Pea. I'll do my durnedest.
DFW - Happy New Year to you, too!
LHIB - Let's hope this new year is a great one for all of us...
Michelle - What a wonderful quote. And I wish you nothing but diamonds, too, my dear friend.
TL - I am trying very hard to think of all this stuff as 'opportunities'. Isn't it something when we can actually retrace our actions and remember?!? I get almost giddy when I can remember where I put something...
Buttons - BIG hug back atcha!!!
Tami - You know, we may just be twins, Universally speaking... you squeetie you... :)
TWH - All the best to you - we all have so much potential. All we need are the opportunities to let it shine!
I'm with ya...
Happy New Year!!!
I'm looking forward to a new year myself, though last year wasn't as rough as the two before. My horoscope would suggest this year is finally going to start an upward trend for positive events which I choose to believe. If not the planets and the stars perhaps just the power of positive thinking. Happy new year.
A little late to the party, but Happy New Year Susan.
Here's hoping to a a 2014 that really ups your level of contentment. I'm sorry 2013 was such a tough year for you.
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