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Thursday, April 2, 2015

A Post in Purple Prose.

Let the hyperbole begin!

As I minced toward the sliding glass doors, wan hand upon my waner brow, I beheld such a sight!  Could it be?  Hath Winter's Death Grip begun to Loosen from the Throat of poor Spring?  Egads!  The sun was shining so brightly that I didst not see the Boyz, lying as skunky black and white pools upon the dudgy rug.  Yarks!  Tis a wondrous sight, the flying, screeching bodies of the Boyz - snarling teeth and burbling talons ablaze!

As the foamy crest of Feline Furbulence ebbed upon my doorstep, I slid openeth the door - vague and opaque as it was with a Winter's Worth of snurbling nose prints, tongue lashings and the like - to peep upon such a sight!  In Sun's Bright and Lorbling Beams didst the smallish grey piles of sorrowful snow, speckled with the flotsam and junksum of shaken rugs and the poopings of tiny songbirds, seemed to cringe and creep upon my deck!  In their withering wake was left large, smarmy stains of encrusted birdeth seed, swirling amongst even MORE tiny songbird poopings.  Alas!  Will my faithful Amish broom - still tucked snug amongst the long-forgotten implements of cleaning - have the strength to dispatch such mucking???

I leaned, waner and lanquider, upon the hard steel barrel of my air rifle (the only support at handeth), and ever so, ever so, carefully placed one tiny Bog-booted footeth in front of the othereth.

Harketh!

What music is that, that reaches so stridently, yet like tiny bells to my shell-like ears?  Couldst be?  Oh, frabious day!  Tis a Red Winged Blackbird!  Such music didst bring shining tears to my wan orbs...(see?  I've been ill, so everything is wan - makes it so much easier to wax purple...)

Forsooth!

Oh, wafting, gentle breezes which carry such perfumy scents through the air (with more than a generous toucheth of dog poop mixeth in), support this poor, wan frame and lifteth me in your Springy boosum (as my boosum hath lost most of its spring) to allow me to alight my tearful orbs upon my lands!

What is thiseth!?!  Canst I believe my own orbs?  Hath the frozen Earth parted?  Couldeth it be true?  Hath Nature's kinder nature cometh to pass?  Art those turgid rosy points that thrust themselves from the dark loamy dirt truly the forebearers of God Rhubarb????

I falleth in a faint.

The end.

I had to end, as I was laughing so hard it made me cough.  Enjoy!

23 comments:

Sue said...

LOL!
I think a fever tooketh a hold of thee

The Dancing Donkey said...

Oh,you have turgid rosy points, how marvelous! Today's bright dream giveth hope to my mine own sagging breast. There be no hint of the Rhubarb God, but tiny, foaming rivulets doth appear around the endless strata of donkey poop. Alas, I too feel faint:)

Susan said...

Sue - Oyeth and Alas! Methinks you speaketh the truth!

Susan said...

TDD - SNORTeth!

Susan said...

Hey! If they have Talk Like a Pirate Day, why can't they have Talk Like MacBeth Day?

Mama Pea said...

I worryeth thee hath been mixingeth your meds.

Unknown said...

Oh my freaking gosh, that was hystericall!!! :)

MrsDuncanMahogany said...

Turgid rosy points? LOVE IT. Best thing I had read in forever! We, on the other hand, had a mini blizzard here today. Canadian prairies eh?

Casa Mariposa said...

I love this!! I have no idea what lorbling means but it's my new favorite word. :o) Most excellenteth!

Spiderjohn said...

Bless your heart. You did drink a hot toddy every hour.

Carolyn said...

I'm with the rest of your followers / commenters. What in the world have you been knocking back?

Fiona said...

Forsooth you must have partaken of a yeasty spring tonic with a plethora of fever and a dearth of restraint! Lovely!

Kristina said...

Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, and the comments too...ha ha ha ha ha!

Susan said...

Mama Pea - Hardy Har Har eth! You art quite righteth.

Susan said...

Nancy - Thou art too kindeth... :O)

Susan said...

Mrs DH - Oh no-eth! Winter hast still Spring's rosy throat in its grasp-eth on yon prairie!

Susan said...

CM - Thanketh thou... :)

Susan said...

Spiderjohn - OMG, that got me!

Susan said...

Carolyn - It hath given me a warm gloweth - John of the Barley Corn - knoweth thou him? :)

Susan said...

Forsooth, Fair Fiona! The yeasty brew and that of smushing of grapes hath girded my gullet and brought me to this feverish pitch! Oyk.

Susan said...

Kristina - My heart is full that thou hath enjoyed-eth my purple post!

Michelle said...

You're so funny you can make yourSELF laugh?!? I doff my hat while rolling on the floor in mirth!

Florida Farm Girl said...

Oh, sweet mercy!!! How do you write that stuff???? ROFLMAO