They say that hindsight is always 20/20. I don't know that that's true - especially when you are looking back through misty lenses. I am sure that there were signs that I ignored or missed and, if I could rub a lamp and ask a genie for one wish, it would be to rewind my life to last Sunday morning.
Saturday I had thrown in the towel on coop-cleaning, having staggered through four giant economy-sized loads of cement-like chicken manure. Sunday morning, after going through the usual chores and routine, I suited up, gave the dogs their marrow bones early - since I was going to be ignoring them for most of the day - and went out to finish the job. After two loads, I came in for water and a break and all was well. I finished up the last two loads and came in to get the rhubarb cake I had made for the barn guys and my LLG, who was out putting up the finishing touches on my lawn care. I walked in and knew right away that all was not well.
I found my Pepperoni in the kitchen. Dead. Apparently, he and Lovey had an altercation and he was the loser. The details after that are a little fuzzy. There was screaming (mine), which brought the LLG on the run. I am so glad that he was there, as he bustled in and took care of my little man. I made a series of fairly incoherent phone calls and texts, one of which was to my vet. I fully intended to have Lovey euthanized. I am very thankful that she talked me out of it, as I would have had another heavy load of guilt added to my already unbearable burden.
Lovey will eventually be going to live with a friend who will provide her with a good life. She is a dog rescuer, lives by herself and has no animal smaller than a cow to worry about. In the meantime, I am trying to come to terms with this dog that I loved so much and now hate/love. I honestly did not think that I could ever hurt as much as I did when I lost Scrappy. I was wrong. I hurt so much it is white-hot. I have discovered the opposite of 'white' noise - my head is now filled with 'black' noise. I can't wait to leave in the morning to go to work and, when I return, I sit in the driveway dreading the moment when I walk in the house to no yodeling. I dread meal time - no Pepperoni to circle the kitchen island, yodeling away. I dread mornings when he is not snugged up against me. I dread evenings for the same reason. I dread going to bed and waking up. I am waiting for time to deaden the pain, which, I know, will happen.
Thank you all for your kind thoughts, love and prayers. Life on the homestead goes on. It's just going to be more difficult for a while.
25 comments:
oh no...how awful. i am so sorry to hear this. how long had the two of them lived together? i hope you start to feel better soon.
Oh Susan, I am so sorry.
I give you tons of credit for coming up with this solution regarding Lovey. I certainly can understand how it would be unbearable to have her around, but I think this is a good solution.
I am so sorry for your loss of Pepperoni. I just checked back and saw where you adopted Pepperoni at the age of 13, right? The fact that you adopted an older dog like that is already an indicator of great character, and from reading you blog, I know that Pepperoni had the very best of a life with you. Please console yourself with the thought that he probably never even knew what happened. Again, my very sincere sorrow at what has happened in your life with your beloved dogs.
I can imagine no pain worse than having one of your kids kill another one; none. I am SURE there was no "malice aforethought" but that doesn't change the outcome. Do whatever you can to replace the black noise with something else; I find uplifting music the most effective. Like it or not, you can't sing along AND play the "bad tapes." I'd come sing with you – and give you bear hugs while sharing tears – if I could. So, so glad your LLG was there....
My heart is hurting for you. I know the guilt feels overwhelming but remember the happy times and the unconditional love.
I don't know if it would help at this point but if I could, and if she could, I'd have Michelle pick me up on her way to your little homestead where we'd envelope you in a big hug, stay for a few days, drink some wine, talk, watch the sunsets and maybe help you feel a little better. Love and hugs.
Oh my gosh! How horrible! I'm so sorry! Hugs! We lost our beloved Airedale dog two days ago and it hurts so badly. My eyes have ached from crying. And, just when I think I'm doing better, I start crying again. It's so hard to lose our fur babies. She was my constant companion for almost 12 years. :(
So sorry to hear this. I would join in with your other friends for a group hug and visit.
I am so so sorry for this tragic accident and your loss. I am sure there are no words for the comfort you are seeking. I hope that time will help with the pain
Oh Susan, I am so sorry for your losing your little guy. I hope Lovey is picked up soon. Tears & prayers for you.
Sandy
I am so very sorry for your loss. There are really no words..so I will offer prayers and positive thoughts for your healing....
Oh my, what a terrible thing to have happen! Sending you hugs and best wishes that you may soon find some heart's ease in this tragic situation.
I am so sorry to hear this Susan. You couldn't have had any idea what was going through Lovey's head. Heck even she didn't know. Time will lesson the hurt, only time can do that as you well know.
Sorry for your loss. Prayers and hugs are sent to all.....
My heart is breaking for you Susan. I'm SO SORRY...I've been there, though not that situation. I really know how inconsolable you feel. I'm sending you all of my best...I'm really so sorry. xxxxxx
I'm sending you love and light. What a hard thing to go thru. And I Know you are very upset/angry with Lovey, but that will fade too. It's just such a hard situation. I had a very similar situation and felt the same. I wanted to put down the dog who attacked. But I didn't, and I'm glad I didn't. So Hard. So hard. So tough. I am so sorry. Please be gentle with yourself and Lovey. < 3
Susan - it seems that all of the previous commenters have an appreciation for the level of pain that you are feeling. an amazing man (my Uncle Gerald from The Last Robin blog - he has since passed and it still hurts!) once told me that when you break your leg or your arm - people all think that you are hurt. but when you lose something you love so much and you can't wear a cast to show the hurt and pain you feel - then people don't "see" the pain. but as your commenters have already said - we know the pain you feel. and it is very real. don't discredit it. acknowledge it. please give yourself time to grieve. be gentle to yourself.
and if you want to read a beautiful story about meeting up with our animals in heaven, whether you believe in heaven or not, go here:
http://thelastrobin.blogspot.ca/2009/12/our-dogs-and-cats-alive-again.html
i would join in on the group hug and wine in a heartbeat! just know that i am sending you healing thoughts and prayers! your friend,
kymber
My condolences on your loss.
I can't even imagine. I'm crying for you.
Sweet Susan,
While I reading your post tears are running down my face. The loss of a dear pet hurts because their family. Remember Pepperoni's unconditional love, the happy times you had together. My heart goes out to you. If I could, I would paddle this ARK (raining here again) I'm floating on up your way with a soft shoulder to lean on.
Love and Hugs,
Sandy
Oh, sweetie. Words fail me. Hugs.
So very sorry, my heart aches for you.
Oh Susan. The very most horrible tragedy. I can't begin to express how sorry I am that you lost your beloved pup in such a horrific way. I wish you healing.
I am terribly sorry for this awful loss.
I am so so sorry for yur terrible loss. And losing a dog like that would be awful. Hugs to you....
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